As I may have mentioned before, I USED to be a choreographic Dyva. I would set a dance in three hours, love it, and patiently wait for the next opportunity. Here’s a little gem I choreographed at age 19, We Insist.
Nowadays, the ‘ol system isn’t working so swiftly. I still have the ability to generate complex structures on stage, but it’s the movement (the meat, the sprinkles, the…dance) that I really struggle to produce. My CD (Choreography Dysfunction) became an issue simultaneously when I started grad school…they haven’t yet made a pill for me to take every time I need to get it up for choreography, so I’ve been at a loss ever since, and nobody’s really all that satisfied.
I think it’s a combination of knowing that everyone else around me is talented and making great work, that I’m one of the youngest in my class and felt like the underdog at one point, and that I knew my platinum winning dances back home weren’t necessarily what the stages here were interested in seeing.
It’s that last point where things really get hazy and confusing for me. I grew up loving commercial dance and so that’s what I made, and now I see, appreciate and long to make concert dance…except that I don’t ALWAYS long to make concert dance! I’ve been playing this flip flop game in my head ever since I got here a little under two years ago, and in the midst of this identity crisis, I’ve lost my sense of self in all choreography.
Dumbledore approached me the other day and asked me to stop making work that I wasn’t satisfied with; the question was posed as if duh was the answer, and as I thought there thinking of a different answer, I just couldn’t…the pressure of what I thought was a burden to make concert dance was relieved, but I still couldn’t get it up.
Now don’t get me wrong, the work that I’ve been creating here at Brockport hasn’t necessarily been bad; it’s been selected to perform in our shows each semester and has gotten great feedback. It’s not that I’ve been creating uninspired work because I like the feeling of not being satisfied on a personal level, what it boils down to is a lack of confidence…? I pose that as a kind-of question because I more than love my time here, and have been thriving and exponentially growing as a person since I unpacked my bags, I just don’t feel like my confidence deserves to hold me back at this point in my life.
So now what??? I’ve got a thesis staring me in the face in just a few short months; I suppose it’s time to get over this CD.
It’s time to put my big girl pants on and make some dance! I’ve set a personal goal for the rest of this semester; I must take any and all opportunities (create them if they don’t already exist) to make as much dance as I possibly can. The only way to get over this issue is to face it head on, and get over it. If I need to throw myself into a wall for five minutes and call it dance, then at least I can hope that some confidence gets knocked into me…
I BEG you to share some ideas for getting over this CD? What do you do when you’re feeling uninspired?